An Open Letter To The Phone Enthusiast
Because everyone has a right to be considered innocent, until proven guilty.
Dear Thiefu,
Can I call you thiefu? I know calling nick names is a very personal thing, but I guess after seeing the picture of me and my wife on home screen and countless other family photos, not to mention SMSs and Whatsapp msgs, you must have come to know a few things about me. And we did connect with each other for that split second, in which a dozen of hands and pelvic thrusts pushed me into the metro and facilitated you in pulling out the phone. So, yes, I guess I can call you by your new nick name. But, please allow me to clarify, I am not calling anyone a thief here. Who do I think I am, Arvind Kejriwal? No, no, no, I truly appreciate your skills. Even though I became the butt of the jokes for losing out to you or one of your phone grabbing monkey cousins twice, not to mention the sermons I received from my worried mom on how irresponsible, careless and non deserving of expensive phones I am, to the point of causing me severe depression. But as you must have heard, or probably not, given your demanding professional life and steep learning curve, so here it goes- fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me. But, I am not ashamed to admit that you are a smarter and better species than I am. Infact, the most I can say about you is, you are a true hobbyist.
Ok, now that we are done with pleasantries, I see this time you have chosen my 2010 model iPhone 4. An excellent choice, considering that in 2014 this particular model of iPhone offers affordable solution to the bragging needs. You will be happy to know it has got plenty of space for your music, as I never bothered to stack my iTunes with any songs or playlist, a fact that I am not too proud to share, but I guess at least you can thank me for it. Also, I hope you will be able to reach soaring heights in the Temple run and Rail rush high scores and one up me in the game center… Yeah! *High Five!*
You are probably holding the scratched and bubble ridden screen guard with dust particles against me. “This weekend”, I always told myself, only to delay the replacement further and further. I know, I know, upkeep of these smart phones is very essential and I have been lousy… Fine, I admit it. I’m a bad person. I am like the Darth Vader of the phone universe. Happy now?
Sorry! I got a little carried away. I shouldn't have said that.
I guess you probably think I am cheap-stake, for keeping the battery so drained. I swear I was planning to charge it the moment I reached home, but in the hurry that you were, you snatched it with critically low battery, that too without the charger. That reminds me, you have got a real doozie here. The device is real battery drainer… Uh huh! Too late for the second thoughts now. The shiny device is yours, along with all its problems.
You must have also noticed by now, the ‘Home’ button is a real pain in the back side. Sometimes, it requires you to not just press it, but stand on it with your full weight to make it trigger. But, don’t sweat it. It has been like that since it fell on the dance floor and half a dozen drunk guys danced on it. I know its crazy, but that story is for some other time. You will learn to deal with it in no time.
Your friends will most assuredly be impressed with your prized scalp, but I guess will be a bit peeved with the sound quality of mic. I can only imagine your disgusted sighs in dealing with the crappy device you have illegally acquired, but due to my work schedule and newly altered marital status, I just couldn't get that fixed. You caught me at a bad time mate! But let me give you an insider scoop, use the headset from numerous other devices you have added to your collection and you will get around with the sound issues in a jiffy.
Not able to connect to wi fi network, even though the device’s wi fi is on? Blame it on the same set of dancing gorillas who stepped on the phone in their dancing rituals. I had been coughing substantial rentals in 3G data plans to compensate for it, but thanks to you, that won’t be needed anymore. Ignore it, you can’t do much here…. But always remember to Back Up! That poor device had been pleading with me since 6 weeks to back up. But, the heartless wretch that I am, I kept ignoring it. Never ever make that mistake, Thiefu!
Well, I guess that about does it. I have already upgraded the device to the latest iOS version, and the capitalist bastards at Apple have disregarded my device for any future OS updates, so you need not worry about upgrading it… You are now the proud owner of my phone. I always imagined this moment to be more ceremonious, like me posting an ad for the new potential owner and handing it over with all its accessories. But then I guess you seem pretty capable at finding me time and again, and those shitty accessories will only weigh you down.
It’s apparent that you have a promising future in petty thefts….errr, I meant collections. And I wish you all the best in your future endeavors.
Once bitten, twice shy;
Now I am twice bitten, and can only sigh!
